Just spoke to my folks via Skype. Isn't skype a wonderful thing?! Life would be very lonely without it. And FaceTime, and iMessage and text and email...!
At the end of our conversation, I said "I love you mom." And guess what.
She said "I love you too."
I can't remember the last time I heard her speak a sentence besides "I don't want to go" and today she said to me I love you too!!!!!
Wish I could've recorded it. But that's alright; I can still hear those four beautiful words in my head. If she is never able to speak them again, I can still hear her voice speak those four beautiful words in my head.
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Mom
The night before my birthday last month I cried and cried and cried because I miss my mom.
She's still with us but Alzheimer's has her attention now more than I ever will again.
I completed another 100 Days Project not long ago. Before it began, I had to come up with an idea (obviously). I ended up calling it Surface Area and photographing a different surface, up close, every day for 100 days.
I was going to call it Remembering Mom and so began compiling a list of memories I have of her from growing up. I enlisted the help of my siblings, too. Please correct me if any of this is wrong. And add a memory or two!
Remembering Mom
She was 21 when she got married.
She was 23 when she had me.
My older sister is older by a mere 14 months.
She is an only child.
Her dad was a sign painter.
Her mom is a nurse.
Her dad died of cancer.
Her mom is 94.
Her aunt died with Alzheimer's
She raised 4 children; my dad travelled a lot when we were little.
She was a figure skater as a child.
She taught me card games; we'd play before dinner.
She hated to iron; I'd do it for her.
She learned to cook after she married my dad.
She sang in the choir.
I loved her chocolate chip cookies.
She once tripped down the stairs and spilled spaghetti and meatballs everywhere and sprained her ankle.
She was a collector of many things.
She always had lots of friends.
She and my dad used to entertain often.
They had popcorn every Sunday night.
We always had a few family pets but she didn't like them much, or not for very long.
She used to talk on the phone for a long time.
She always made my bed first thing at camp, college, my new room.
She played tennis.
She's had the same hair stylist for at least 30 years.
She used to smoke.
She cries as easily as I do.
She has been to Ethiopia on a missions trip with my dad.
She was the first nurse at West Bay Christian Academy.
She took us to the Town Beach every single day as children; we loved it!
She was a prolific writer of cards and letters. My sister's friends called her "the card queen".
I heard her say "wait until your father gets home" a lot.
She served us grilled cheese and tomato soup every Saturday afternoon for a very long time. I hate both to this day.
She was an avid reader.
She loves to laugh.
She took us to the library in the summer.
She used to cook us spam.
She loves her coffee!
She would stand at the window during snowstorms looking out for my dad and then play and sing "You Light Up My Life" when he'd walk in the door.
She loves music.
She loved to sunbathe.
She used to teach bible studies.
She was chairwoman of committees at church.
She used to put notes in our lunch bags.
She would tape the nickel for milk to our napkin.
She once wrapped our Christmas presents in white paper and beautifully stencilled every single one of them.
She would take us girls to the Nutcracker ballet at Christmastime.
I'd give anything to be able to call her and have a chat. Or open the mailbox and see her handwriting on a card. Or to hug her and have her hug me back. Yes, I'm thankful she's still there to hug but... now the hugs still leave me lonely for my mom.
She's still with us but Alzheimer's has her attention now more than I ever will again.
I completed another 100 Days Project not long ago. Before it began, I had to come up with an idea (obviously). I ended up calling it Surface Area and photographing a different surface, up close, every day for 100 days.
I was going to call it Remembering Mom and so began compiling a list of memories I have of her from growing up. I enlisted the help of my siblings, too. Please correct me if any of this is wrong. And add a memory or two!
Remembering Mom
She was 21 when she got married.
She was 23 when she had me.
My older sister is older by a mere 14 months.
She is an only child.
Her dad was a sign painter.
Her mom is a nurse.
Her dad died of cancer.
Her mom is 94.
Her aunt died with Alzheimer's
She raised 4 children; my dad travelled a lot when we were little.
She was a figure skater as a child.
She taught me card games; we'd play before dinner.
She hated to iron; I'd do it for her.
She learned to cook after she married my dad.
She sang in the choir.
I loved her chocolate chip cookies.
She once tripped down the stairs and spilled spaghetti and meatballs everywhere and sprained her ankle.
She was a collector of many things.
She always had lots of friends.
She and my dad used to entertain often.
They had popcorn every Sunday night.
We always had a few family pets but she didn't like them much, or not for very long.
She used to talk on the phone for a long time.
She always made my bed first thing at camp, college, my new room.
She played tennis.
She's had the same hair stylist for at least 30 years.
She used to smoke.
She cries as easily as I do.
She has been to Ethiopia on a missions trip with my dad.
She was the first nurse at West Bay Christian Academy.
She took us to the Town Beach every single day as children; we loved it!
She was a prolific writer of cards and letters. My sister's friends called her "the card queen".
I heard her say "wait until your father gets home" a lot.
She served us grilled cheese and tomato soup every Saturday afternoon for a very long time. I hate both to this day.
She was an avid reader.
She loves to laugh.
She took us to the library in the summer.
She used to cook us spam.
She loves her coffee!
She would stand at the window during snowstorms looking out for my dad and then play and sing "You Light Up My Life" when he'd walk in the door.
She loves music.
She loved to sunbathe.
She used to teach bible studies.
She was chairwoman of committees at church.
She used to put notes in our lunch bags.
She would tape the nickel for milk to our napkin.
She once wrapped our Christmas presents in white paper and beautifully stencilled every single one of them.
She would take us girls to the Nutcracker ballet at Christmastime.
I'd give anything to be able to call her and have a chat. Or open the mailbox and see her handwriting on a card. Or to hug her and have her hug me back. Yes, I'm thankful she's still there to hug but... now the hugs still leave me lonely for my mom.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Church Home
I think we've FINALLY found it!
St Paul's in the city. They have an instagram site: http://instagram.com/stpaulsauckland where you can see what it's like sort of.
You'll also see a photo of me there!
I have signed myself up to be part of the lunch team. Once a month we transform the place and provide lunch after the 11:00 service (about 500 people!).
Yesterday, we prepared and cooked 5x hams, sliced I don't know how many rolls, prepared chutneys and other condiments. So much work and I was SO happy every minute of it. Really, really cool to see what goes on behind the scenes; the dedication of these people is very impressive.
And now I know people and people know me.
AND...
Lloyd and I are going to Youth Camp! http://www.campbentzon.co.nz/photos.htm
3 - 7 October. We're going over in speed boats and the activities planned sound amazing. I'll have a group of children I'm in charge of for the time we're there -- Gulp! There will be about 25 of us adults going. Greg said Lloyd could go only if he (yeah right) or I go with him. You can't go as a hanger-on so I had to agree to assume a leadership position. When I emailed to inquire, just that morning someone had to pull out so a space had opened up -- cool, right? It's a God thing. He's amazing like that.
More about camp when I know more.
And here we are. Monday morning. Last week of school before holidays for two weeks. Bring it on!
--Think you'll have to copy and paste those links to your browser... --
St Paul's in the city. They have an instagram site: http://instagram.com/stpaulsauckland where you can see what it's like sort of.
You'll also see a photo of me there!
I have signed myself up to be part of the lunch team. Once a month we transform the place and provide lunch after the 11:00 service (about 500 people!).
Yesterday, we prepared and cooked 5x hams, sliced I don't know how many rolls, prepared chutneys and other condiments. So much work and I was SO happy every minute of it. Really, really cool to see what goes on behind the scenes; the dedication of these people is very impressive.
And now I know people and people know me.
AND...
Lloyd and I are going to Youth Camp! http://www.campbentzon.co.nz/photos.htm
3 - 7 October. We're going over in speed boats and the activities planned sound amazing. I'll have a group of children I'm in charge of for the time we're there -- Gulp! There will be about 25 of us adults going. Greg said Lloyd could go only if he (yeah right) or I go with him. You can't go as a hanger-on so I had to agree to assume a leadership position. When I emailed to inquire, just that morning someone had to pull out so a space had opened up -- cool, right? It's a God thing. He's amazing like that.
More about camp when I know more.
And here we are. Monday morning. Last week of school before holidays for two weeks. Bring it on!
--Think you'll have to copy and paste those links to your browser... --
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Misfit
I went to a pilates class today at a new studio. Wow, did that feel good.
There were two other ladies in the class. I smiled at each of them as they entered. Nothing. I smiled at them when the class was over thinking maybe I could engage one or both of them in a brief conversation. Nothing. Would not meet my eyes. That did NOT feel good.
I was broadsided with loneliness.
I took my time putting my shoes on hoping those two would catch the elevator and I would catch the next trip down but that's not what happened. Instead, upon leaving the studio, my eyes a bit unclear because of the tears, I tripped on the stairs. My glasses went flying off my head and I very nearly plunged head first down the last four steps. Those two ladies were there at the bottom of the steps waiting for the elevator.
Nothing. Not a glance.
Wow.
I'm over it, trust me. I just find it very sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah that's life in the city but come on. Would it have killed them to smile back at me? Of course not. Might've even made them feel good, too. Sheesh.
If someone smiles at you -- smile back! Better yet, smile at someone/say good morning/whatever and see what response you get. If you get nothing, I suppose that's their problem. It's certainly not yours.
There were two other ladies in the class. I smiled at each of them as they entered. Nothing. I smiled at them when the class was over thinking maybe I could engage one or both of them in a brief conversation. Nothing. Would not meet my eyes. That did NOT feel good.
I was broadsided with loneliness.
I took my time putting my shoes on hoping those two would catch the elevator and I would catch the next trip down but that's not what happened. Instead, upon leaving the studio, my eyes a bit unclear because of the tears, I tripped on the stairs. My glasses went flying off my head and I very nearly plunged head first down the last four steps. Those two ladies were there at the bottom of the steps waiting for the elevator.
Nothing. Not a glance.
Wow.
I'm over it, trust me. I just find it very sad. Yeah, yeah, yeah that's life in the city but come on. Would it have killed them to smile back at me? Of course not. Might've even made them feel good, too. Sheesh.
If someone smiles at you -- smile back! Better yet, smile at someone/say good morning/whatever and see what response you get. If you get nothing, I suppose that's their problem. It's certainly not yours.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
HeliSkiing
Yesterday morning, I read my emails, checked FB and scanned the news on my phone as I do. I read that there had been an awful accident in the South Island involving a group of men who had gone heliskiing. The helicopter crashed in the side of the mountain and one of the men was killed. The others have injuries from which they'll survive. The article said the men were from St Paul's, the church Lloyd and I have been going to.
I texted my friend Felicity who has been going to St Paul's for years and years to ask if she knew any of the people involved, in particular the man who died. I never in ten thousand million years thought I would know any of them as it seems every time there's a social event at church I'm either already busy, throwing up or have put my back out and can't move.
Felicity texted back to say the man killed was Xavier's dad from Lloyd's rugby team. Jerome Box.
I knew him. Lloyd knew him. Greg knew him.
Every rugby season, he made it his personal mission to get at least one action photo of each player and email them to us. He came and toured ECLIPSE when it was in the water with a few of the other men from the team. He and Greg talked about going boating this summer.
And now he's dead. Just like that.
There is grace enough for today (turns out there was grace enough for yesterday, too). Lloyd and I went to church and praised the Lord. It was a really great service; they handled the telling of the news to everybody very well and we were led in prayer for Jerome's wife Adelle and his two children. We prayed for the men who survived. We prayed for their families. The speaker cut his sermon short so we could just talk to each other and be together.
Lloyd's youth group talked about it; he said they all cried. And then they each wrote a letter to either Xavier or his sister Brianna. How beautiful.
In the afternoon, Greg, Lloyd and I went for a walk in Cornwall Park. Wouldn't you know it's lambing season! And we saw one who had been just born. Fantastic!
See? There is indeed grace enough for today.
I texted my friend Felicity who has been going to St Paul's for years and years to ask if she knew any of the people involved, in particular the man who died. I never in ten thousand million years thought I would know any of them as it seems every time there's a social event at church I'm either already busy, throwing up or have put my back out and can't move.
Felicity texted back to say the man killed was Xavier's dad from Lloyd's rugby team. Jerome Box.
I knew him. Lloyd knew him. Greg knew him.
Every rugby season, he made it his personal mission to get at least one action photo of each player and email them to us. He came and toured ECLIPSE when it was in the water with a few of the other men from the team. He and Greg talked about going boating this summer.
And now he's dead. Just like that.
There is grace enough for today (turns out there was grace enough for yesterday, too). Lloyd and I went to church and praised the Lord. It was a really great service; they handled the telling of the news to everybody very well and we were led in prayer for Jerome's wife Adelle and his two children. We prayed for the men who survived. We prayed for their families. The speaker cut his sermon short so we could just talk to each other and be together.
Lloyd's youth group talked about it; he said they all cried. And then they each wrote a letter to either Xavier or his sister Brianna. How beautiful.
In the afternoon, Greg, Lloyd and I went for a walk in Cornwall Park. Wouldn't you know it's lambing season! And we saw one who had been just born. Fantastic!
See? There is indeed grace enough for today.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Oh MyAching Back
I've really done it this time. I threw my back out yesterday.
We've got scaffolding up out the back... I have to bend down to clear it in order to access under the house where the washing machine is.
Whilst exiting this area yesterday, in a hurry, I bent down as usual and kind of twisted/turned as I went to stand upright and that's when it happened. Seized up. Very VERY painful. It took all I had to get in the house. I then crawled to the front room where I could do some stretching exercises. That's what I usually do when my back is giving me trouble... Not this time. I couldn't do a thing.
Rested the rest of the day with a hot water bottle on it.
I managed to get to the school to get Lloyd and his cousins. Few steps, rest. Breathe through the pain. Repeat. That was just getting to the car!
I spoke to a Physiotherapist (who has no appointments until Monday!!) who said just rest, keep warm, take pills. When it's so acute, there's not much he'd be comfortable doing anyway.
Sadly, it's no different today so here I lie.
Lloyd and Greg are at rugby. It's a sunshiny day and I had plans!!
And tomorrow I was to help serve food at the church lunch and make friends!
Sigh
We've got scaffolding up out the back... I have to bend down to clear it in order to access under the house where the washing machine is.
Whilst exiting this area yesterday, in a hurry, I bent down as usual and kind of twisted/turned as I went to stand upright and that's when it happened. Seized up. Very VERY painful. It took all I had to get in the house. I then crawled to the front room where I could do some stretching exercises. That's what I usually do when my back is giving me trouble... Not this time. I couldn't do a thing.
Rested the rest of the day with a hot water bottle on it.
I managed to get to the school to get Lloyd and his cousins. Few steps, rest. Breathe through the pain. Repeat. That was just getting to the car!
I spoke to a Physiotherapist (who has no appointments until Monday!!) who said just rest, keep warm, take pills. When it's so acute, there's not much he'd be comfortable doing anyway.
Sadly, it's no different today so here I lie.
Lloyd and Greg are at rugby. It's a sunshiny day and I had plans!!
And tomorrow I was to help serve food at the church lunch and make friends!
Sigh
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Film
I went to a film this afternoon...
The New Zealand International Film Festival is going on right now. This one was called First Cousin Once Removed; have you heard of it? It was first released in 2012 at a film festival in New York I think.
It's a documentary spanning 5 years in the later life of Edwin Honig, the poet, professor and translator and his progression with Alzheimer's. He was a professor at Brown University and the film opens in his room somewhere in Providence of all places in the world. Who knew. I certainly didn't.
It's well worth finding and watching. Quite raw, quite honest. Heartbreaking. I recognized a few idiosyncracies. Wept through the entire film.
http://www.nziff.co.nz/2014/auckland/first-cousin-once-removed/
Copy and past the link to your browser if you're interested.
The New Zealand International Film Festival is going on right now. This one was called First Cousin Once Removed; have you heard of it? It was first released in 2012 at a film festival in New York I think.
It's a documentary spanning 5 years in the later life of Edwin Honig, the poet, professor and translator and his progression with Alzheimer's. He was a professor at Brown University and the film opens in his room somewhere in Providence of all places in the world. Who knew. I certainly didn't.
It's well worth finding and watching. Quite raw, quite honest. Heartbreaking. I recognized a few idiosyncracies. Wept through the entire film.
http://www.nziff.co.nz/2014/auckland/first-cousin-once-removed/
Copy and past the link to your browser if you're interested.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Sometimes (like last night) I wish I had a job to go to that enabled me to go out after work for a drink. No need to stop at home or anything like that, just go out directly after work with a friend or a brother or a sister.
It's okay. I don't really wish that very much but...
I'm happy for Greg. He's got a great job he loves and his brother is in a new job now, too, and this allows them to get together after work sometimes and how nice is that for him!? Real nice.
The New Zealand International Film Festival is going on right now. I went to see a film today and had a lovely conversation with the lady sitting next to me.
I take what I can get.
The church I go to is going to start hosting lunches at church every 6 weeks or so and has emailed a shout out for help: food prep, serving, setting tables, etc so I've just emailed to say I'm keen.
Cool, right?
It's okay. I don't really wish that very much but...
I'm happy for Greg. He's got a great job he loves and his brother is in a new job now, too, and this allows them to get together after work sometimes and how nice is that for him!? Real nice.
The New Zealand International Film Festival is going on right now. I went to see a film today and had a lovely conversation with the lady sitting next to me.
I take what I can get.
The church I go to is going to start hosting lunches at church every 6 weeks or so and has emailed a shout out for help: food prep, serving, setting tables, etc so I've just emailed to say I'm keen.
Cool, right?
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Comfort Zone
Lloyd and I went to church yesterday. He sits with his friend Zac and then goes off to children's church with him so I sit by myself or with a family I kind of know from yachting (Greg's yachting, you know what I mean). I had a very very bad attitude. Justified with thoughts of how sick and tired I am of going to church by myself and hating the sight of happy couples holding hands and smiling at each other. I am also sick and tired of no one talking to me.
At the end of the service yesterday, someone did talk to me; a girl who sat near me with her friend. In her broken English she reached out to me and started a wee conversation.
Bless her heart.
I guess the lesson here is if she can reach out like that, in a language that obviously is not her first... certainly I can do the same. Surely...
At the end of the service yesterday, someone did talk to me; a girl who sat near me with her friend. In her broken English she reached out to me and started a wee conversation.
Bless her heart.
I guess the lesson here is if she can reach out like that, in a language that obviously is not her first... certainly I can do the same. Surely...
Thursday, July 24, 2014
I'm Back!
The bottom line is I'm really quite lonely these days. Thoughts continually flutter through my head throughout the day and then flit right out because there's no one to share them with / say them to. Maybe I'll feel more connected if I sometimes put those thoughts "out there" for someone to read. We'll see.
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