Why?

When do we start asking why? 2 years old? 3? Everything is why. Why are you brushing your teeth? Why are you making dinner? Why are you pulling those weeds out of the garden? Why why why?

Then, the questions stop for a bit and we take everything pretty much at face value and figure stuff out for ourselves.

Then, as we get older the Why becomes more complicated. Why did that newborn baby have to die? Why is it the drunk driver seemingly always manages to stay alive while the sober driver in the other car dies? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why am I terrified of high places but can fly in a helicopter with the doors off and feel exhilarated? Why won't Greg stop snoring?

Why is it so hard to wrap my head around Christmas when it's 80-something degrees out (and, by the way, the tree fell down twice in one day!)?

The thing is, it shouldn't be hard at all. All I've had to do is shift my focus a tiny bit back to where it's supposed to be and it's all perfectly clear.

Why celebrate Christmas anyway? I'm going to tell you why. And it's not because there's a six year old in the house either.

How ever many years ago, Jesus Christ came down to this earth. God Almighty in the flesh. He was born and grew up and lived a life on earth. When the time was right, He was put to death on a cross for claiming to be who He is, The Son of God, and for the sins of the world. Thankfully, the story doesn't end there because he rose again and now lives. And always will.

It doesn't matter how many years I studied it all, I will never have all the theological answers; no one will.

All that matters is I believe the Christmas story with all my heart and also believe there would be no meaning in anything whatsoever if I didn't.

So yeah, it might look like santa has taken the top spot around here this weekend but I know the reason why I celebrate Christmas.

Thankful!

I am SO HAPPY!!

I love my job! It's so perfect for me and I am so very thankful.

We hosted Thanksgiving here this past Sunday for 43 of our friends (think that was pretty much ALL our friends but we missed you Jen & Shane!). It was a rainy, rainy morning and then, an hour before the guests were due to arrive, the sun came out! Thankful. We set up inside anyway because it was quite windy but at least the 17 children could go outside and play. Thankful!

Some of my family are getting together to enjoy a Thanksgiving meal around the table and the rest o' the family are going to get together with in-laws and there will be food on their table -- THANKFUL!

Every day we wake up and have another chance to make it wonderful in little tiny ways for the people in our lives and those we encounter as we go about our way.

Wonderfully thankful!

Customer Happiness

Guess what GUESS WHAT?!? I have a job.

With OOOOBY!

The day after I helped out, I received an email from Karen, one of the chief OOOOBY women, telling me that she and the other chief OOOOBY people would like to meet with me and talk about how I could possibly get more involved.

Later that week, we met at a very groovy cafe and, over lunch, they explained to me how things are working and where they see me fitting in.

Me! Fitting in!

So, bottom line, I am going to be in charge of the deliveries to our customers and also overall Customer Happiness. How do you like that title? I quite like it; came up with it myself (it's already caught on so it's a keeper).

I'm going to meet with Karen and Pete (the founder) Thursday afternoon for a bit of a handover (Karen handles the deliveries right now as well as everything financial).

And I'm very, very happy about it all!

Yes!

Something to do!

A little while ago, I found this organization called OOOOBY, Out Of Our Own Backyards. It's a collaborative effort full of local gardeners and those passionate about all things fresh, local and sometimes organic.

http://ooooby.ning.com/

There's the link if you want to check it out.

They started this thing a few weeks ago where you pay some $$ each week and, on a Monday, delivered to your doorstep, is this box full of gorgeous produce! Fruits and vegetables all sourced locally. It's truly a beautiful thing.

I'm happy to say I was one of the first to sign up for this service so was in on the beginnings of things and get to have some input each week about what I think of the contents of the box, etc. Let's face it, I love pretty much anything delivered to my doorstep and hey, any human contact I can have during the day is welcome so why not!

All my feedback has been very positive because they are truly doing a wonderful job.

I offered my help in exchange for a free box (I'll work for it instead of pay for it).

Sooo, starting this coming Monday, I'll go help pack the boxes and then deliver them!

I'm very excited. Maybe this'll lead to more involvement. Who knows. At the very least I'll get that longed for human contact and meet some groovy people and maybe get some gardening tips, too.

Sigh...

I wish, just once in my life, I had so much money to deposit I needed to use one of those handy calculators they provide you with at the bank.

I wish those closest to us loved us enough to be honest with us. Loved themselves enough to get help if they can't do it alone.

I wish, for one whole week, I could fall asleep first. And stay asleep all night.

I wish the scent of jasmine that lingers in the air around me now would last all year 'round.

I wish it wasn't so expensive to travel from there to here.

I wish professional people would return my calls/emails when I said I'd call and/or email and do exactly that, as agreed upon, and then wait and wait and hope all for nothing.

I wish GST wasn't 15%.

I wish someone would cook me dinner. At their house.

I wish there would hurry up and be a cure for Alzheimer's.

Inspiration

How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom

Futile Wishing

Don't you wish we could learn our lessons without all the anguish? And that our children would never have to be affected?

When distance is an issue, all we have is words to offer comfort and it is then we are forced to accept the fact that the hardest language to learn may yet be the most inadequate.

We're happy. What do we have? Yippee! Yahoo! And the like... Come on. Pathetic.

When things go horribly, life-changingly wrong? I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

Because we don't! It's awful and it's heartbreaking enough to know the closest person in the world to you is hurting something awful and there's nothing you can do.

Of course, I know I can pray. I am so thankful that God doesn't just hear my words. He knows my heart and understands my tears.

Because all too often lately I find myself completely and absolutely without words.

Lambie

She has yet to come back to us and that makes me so sad!

I bought Lambie when I was pregnant and slept with her (Lloyd declared long ago that she's a girl) from that day on so that she would smell like me. When it was time for Lloyd to have something to cuddle, there was Lambie.

She has been a favorite ever since... (sniff)

Well, well, well. We did it!

I'd like to, once again, thank the academy for all their support through the making of this epic journey.

No, really. A big, enormous thank you to those friends of ours and family who went out of their way to be accommodating and for making time to see us on a very tight schedule. Thank you for the fresh flowers in our bedroom, for cooking our favorite meals, for putting meaning back in the every-day.

I am so thankful for Lloyd and how well he did; what an amazing travelling companion! We covered some miles and saw an awful lot of people in three weeks and he was a joy to be with every day. I love that he has reached an age where he and I can enjoy comfortable silences and then, at other times, discuss things or laugh.

I got to watch a football game with my dad! What a treat!

After three weeks, though, it was time to come home. We got very tired and little things started to wear thin. I think the turning point for me was when I actually started hating zippers. Yes, zippers. Sick to death of the things. Using them. Hearing them. Needing them. Think that's more commonly referred to as tired of living out of a bag.

What's the difference between a full flight and an extremely full flight? That's what I'd like to know.

I wonder how many other people walking through LAX are secretly hoping they'll see a movie star.

Going for a pee is very tricky when you have carry on bags on your back and a six year old boy in tow who no longer wants anything to do with the ladies room (it's understandable). I couldn't help but think I was constantly just a few minutes away from a UTI.

I left my wallet on the plane from Boston. Yikes! Got it back. Phew!

We left Lloyd's favorite stuffed animal since forever on the plane from LA (see photo). Yikes! Still hasn't turned up although I continue to call every other day hoping, hoping, hoping. :>(

Now we're home and settled once again into our lives here in Auckland.

I feel really really good about my place in this world. It seems as though my two countries have melded somewhat in my mind and they're going to get along fine, just fine. Every encounter with a friend or family member was like we'd seen each other just a week ago and that brings them nearer to me even now.

I love where I live. I love where I'm from (I am Rhode Island born and Rhode Island bred after all!). My irreplaceable friends from forever will always be that. My irreplaceable friends from a year and a half ago aren't going anywhere either. I was so at home there and I'm so at home here. Lucky, lucky me!

It's not so much a heart divided anymore... Just another testament to the fact that we've got very big hearts; just need to learn how to use them. Make the most of all that available space.

And so what that every time I make a turn my windshield gets a wipe at the same time? I can live with that for a while. I'll remember eventually that the indicator is on the other side...

Musings From a Captive Audience

With a storm predicted (according to the New Zealand Herald, "the size of the planet"), we set off for the airport. We left on time with no dramas except for Lloyd being randomly selected for a special search. Lucky us!

Anyway.

I don't sleep on airplanes; I just don't. So I got to thinking about things. Annoying things.

Poor, poor screaming babies. Good thing the screaming baby directly behind us was cute and loved the stuffed animal Lloyd gave him. That animal had the desired effect and he was a screaming baby no longer.

Crinkle packaging. You know those snack packs they give you before "sleep time"? I hate it when everything and everyone is quiet and someone nearby opens a packet of chips and starts crunching away. Eating those chips one. By. One. Crinkling the package every. Single. Time. And, I'm sorry but it seems to always be someone who does not need another chip as long as he/she lives!

I wait and wait and hope and pray for Lloyd to settle and at long last fall asleep so I can close my eyes and rest and then spend a ridiculous amount of time staring at his beautiful sleeping face. Silly mum!

Neck cushions. I'm sure they are quite functional for some but come on. Must they wear them to the toilet? Really? Are they that lazy or what?

Businessmen and the Great Armrest Takeover. Please. Such bruised egos. Poor them.

We made it! And I experienced such simple joy just knowing I was back on the same day as my family and so many friends!

Miss Popularity

NOT!

Not even close. Not yesterday anyway. But come on; I am so sick of being sick it isn't even funny. So tired. So sick and tired of looking sick and tired. All of you who I am going to see in the States shortly, brace yourselves; it isn't pretty this face -- but I'll be smiling so that's what matters. So you just keep those tanned faces straight from summer smiling too and we'll be fine, just fine.

And poor Lloyd. I have never heard a child cough so hard and so much in the night through sleep as he has been doing. Night after night after night.

And he's got no appetite. Now that's hard to take. Because feed him is what I do. And now he's not hungry so now what.

It'll be alright.

And we've got the countdown! 10 days to go until we get on and off a few airplanes and arrive the same day in Boston! Very exciting indeed.

I'm interested in this first visit to see how I feel about things and what reactions I have to the way things are and the way things are done and I'm sure I will quite naturally find myself comparing here and there.

I'll write about it here so watch this space.

A Visit

To the States!

This photo represents Lloyd on the way to the consulate (the first time) to get his passport renewed. This is what he thought he was going to wear. I cranked the heat in the car so that, one by one, the hats came off. And stayed off!

Once we got to the consulate, I was told we needed an appointment (new rule) so we had to go home and book online.

We went back today and it couldn't have gone better. We should have Lloyd's new passport Friday or Monday at the latest! Not quite sure how they accomplish this but that's for them to know and me to enjoy.

So... I'm beginning to fill the calendar with reunions and get excited all over again every time I put someone's name in ink.

I have just under three weeks to visit family and many friends in RI, family in NJ, family outside of Philly and family in the middle o' PA. I've got to organize my sister to fly in from Nashville. Oh, and a 90th birthday celebration to attend.

Yeah, we're going to be flat out. Bring it on I say! It'll have been just over a year and a half since the day we moved away.

Bring it.

Ahh...

You know what's nice about living in a house with no heat? You can open the windows on a beautiful day like today and not feel bad that you're letting out all the heat. I love that!

Lori and her sister Lynn visited very recently (after three days in Sydney on their way home, I think they are home today) and stayed 10 days. We had a wonderful time catching up and laughing and enjoying the nearness of each other. It was hard to say good bye and they are missed very much. The nearness of them is missed very much; they haven't left their place in my heart at all. Never will. Distance has nothing on lasting friendships.

But I know, with increasing certainty, that this is where I belong. Here. In New Zealand. In this house. It used to be just because my belongings are here but not anymore. It's me that belongs here.

And, for all you reading this back home, it's okay! My roots are in Rhode Island. Deep roots that cannot be dug up.

My heart will always be divided and that's okay, too. It's how I'm growing. Pretty cool. To have a heart big enough for old friendships and new! To be so content after such a long season of the exact opposite. Nice!

Now We're Talking!

Okay. I mean it this time. It's official. It really is!

I have been granted a New Zealand residence permit. They have also issued me my first returning resident's visa so that I can be granted another residence permit when I leave NZ and return while said visa is valid.

And I've got these cool stickers in my passport now declaring my status here in New Zealand. All very official.

Finally!

And, I had a conversation with a girlfriend from home on the phone this afternoon and it made me so happy! Obviously just to hear her voice but also because it was like we just spoke or saw each other yesterday (oh how I wish!) because it was so comfortable and natural. Warmed my heart because I know it will always be like that with my nearest and dearest. Distance has and will continue to have NOTHING over love and friendship.

Mere Humans

It really makes me sad that one of the flaws we possess as human beings is the ability to disappoint. Because I hate that feeling. Disappointment. You know, I give and I give and I give and it's really getting to me that, with certain people, I never seem to get anything back; ever. It's really disheartening.

Well, it's simple, you may say. Just stop giving to him/her/them. Ah, but you see, it's not that simple. Because if I were to do that, I would be compromising who I am and that's an entirely different disappointment and not one I want to live with at all.

So I just get depressed.

Disappointed and depressed. Not pretty.

Lower my expectations where he/she/they are concerned? Perhaps.

Yes, I think I'll give that a try.

FRUSTRATED!

Got the paperwork for my residency this morning. What I have been granted in actuality is "Approved in Principle". That annoying phrase followed by, "now all you need to do is complete these last steps..."

WHAT?? More steps? COME ON!!!!!!!
I have to pay what is called a Migrant Levy. $300.00.

Like I have that just lying around. I DON'T! Because I don't have a job! Because I'm struggling to get my residency! Arghhhh...

And, when I pay the Levy, I need to hand in my passport at the same time. Once the Levy has been confirmed paid, it'll take up to 30 working days to issue and endorse my permit and GIVE ME BACK MY PASSPORT. Oh I do not like that AT ALL.

And, get this. My residence permit remains valid until I leave New Zealand! If/when I leave, I need to be issued a valid Returning Resident's Visa. "This allows you back into New Zealand when you return". Oh gee, thanks very very much. These generous people even allow for a two-year Returning Resident's Visa. Wow, amazing.

And they want to keep in touch with me! Ha! That's hysterical. My Immigration Officer who doesn't understand English over the telephone. Yeah, I'll keep in touch with her. Like I've kept in touch with my elementary school guidance counselor.

Absolutely ridiculous.

At Long Last...

I have been granted residency!

YAHOO!!!

Amazing to me how many emotions can course through your body almost at once, if not at once then certainly in split seconds. First was elation. Followed by being sad (yeah, still, I know!) and then, oddly enough, feeling very grown up. I'm so weird!

So no one of my family seemed to be available when I received the news so I tweeted. Better than nothing. Heard from my brother and that made me feel better. Called Greg and he was happy but also very busy at work so that didn't last long. Texted my girlfriends here and heard back from them which was great. Still I was waiting for something... A parade. Fireworks. Flowers. Champagne. Something. Not a, "Good on you, now you can get a job." So, so, SO not that. Ah well, I'm in Kiwi land now. Must suppress all feelings. So I carried on making dinner. Poured my own wine. Cried and got a hug from my long-suffering and wonderful husband. He tries, he really does. He's a Kiwi; he can't help that.

Ah whatever. I have been granted residency. I BELONG here and that's a great feeling and NO ONE can take that away from me!

Starry Ceiling

We're camping! Got here yesterday with friends of ours. I counted a total of 11 children at the area we're in. Five tents and 11 children! We've got a picnic table and fireplace to share with Alex & Blair and their troop. Perfect.

There's a river steps away which has already provided hours of entertainment. What child doesn't like to throw stones, build a dam or get naked and jump in.

We borrowed a tent from some generous friends and packed the car to the hilt with everything we could possibly need. If this camping thing is to continue, however, there are a few things we're going to need to purchase. A lantern would be nice. What would be essential is a more cushy mattress than the thing I'm sitting on right now. At 5:54am. Wide awake.

I have been awake since 3:38 when Lloyd and I crept out for a pee (oh how I love peeing in the bushes!). It's not just the mattress that's the problem. I have put another thing at the very top of the list: earplugs.

The snoring has very nearly put me over the edge. Because there is no escape! I'm in the middle for one thing. There's also the fact that we're all zipped up to prevent moisture from seeping in or something. Please.

Croissants and my homemade marmalade for breakfast. When are people going to wake up? My tummy is rumbling. But of course no one can hear it over this snoring! Yes, I'm back to that again. And no escape. Time to make some noise; I have got to get out of this tent.

Later on...
Went on a fabulous bush walk. The kids continue to enjoy the river. We are so relaxed! It's a beautiful day. All is well with the world.

We have been taking things as they come and I am enjoying myself very much. I think this is a fabulous way to holiday and look forward to more opportunities. Walking in the bush, sitting by the fire, reading a book, playing with the kids, listening to their constant laughter. All does the heart and body so much good.

Night Number Three...
As I lay here with a newfound respect for waterproof material (it's raining hard), I have decided that a mattress should really be at the top of the list; everything hurts. Time to go home.

But what a trip! I can now say I have: slept in a tent, washed my dishes in a river, crossed a swing bridge, ate toast from an open flame and peed in the bushes!

An amazing weekend with amazing friends.

Still...

Every once in a while, like a smack in the face, I find myself once again incredibly lonely. Walking around the house doing nothing but crying lonely. And resenting the move which forced separation from my best friends and all the comforts of living in a town that was about as familiar to me as the back of my hand.

Here I sit in a room set up so much like the front room in our old house it's amazing with a cat on my lap and everything but I can't call anyone because you're all sound asleep and, even if you were awake, what good would it do? It's not like you can come over. And it's Theo on my lap, not Mabel. (We love Theo but he's not Mabel).

A heart divided. Guess I better get used to it. I keep trying. I do.

Seasons of Life

525,600 minutes, 525,600 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year? In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee. In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife. In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life? How about love? Measure in love. Seasons of love.

Or so the song goes.

I measure this year in goodbyes said, miles travelled, buckets of tears cried, adjustments made, houses stayed in, houses looked at, house purchased, school attending, a spring birthday that used to be in the autumn, a summertime Christmas, new friends made, a new family to count on, visits planned and cancelled, a successful visit and the hope of more; always the hope of more. (Sadly that's all it is, a hope.)

I'm still getting used to my one and only son having an accent slightly different than mine. Endearing sometimes, nothing but annoying at others (when I'm cranky). I want him to stay like me! I wish we had screens in our windows so the flies stay where they belong -- outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah be glad I'm not in Australia... I know.

How else do I measure a year in my life? This year in my life particularly? Love. It's true. So much love. And, actually, it's the best kind of love because it's shown in actions, not words. These kiwis are not an emotional people at all. If you want sympathy, empathy, compassion that's spoken you've come to the wrong place because you are not going to find it here. Ever.

What you will find goes a lot further that that. Take my brother and sister in law for example. We stayed with them for FIVE MONTHS when we moved here last March. Five months! They have two boys, one is Lloyd's age and their youngest is 2 1/2. They opened their home to us and let us live there for a long time. Without complaint (that we ever heard!). That's love.

My new friends. When we finally decided we needed to let Greg's brother and family have their house back, we rented a house close to Lloyd's school. It was awful, that house, but we were on our own again so we didn't care. One evening, shortly after moving in, there was a knock at the door and, upon opening it, we were greeted with five broadly smiling faces with treats in their arms there to celebrate our "first house". That meant so much to me. That's love.

There have been sleepovers, babysitting swaps, child care, dinners cooked and delivered, sweet things baked, pick ups and drop offs. Love in action!

We had more helpers than we knew what to do with the day we moved into this house we bought.

It sure is nice to feel so loved. Think I'll give it another year.

Life

It's a pity, really, that it takes something/an event in your life that rocks you to your core before we stop and get thinking. Life is so, so tenuous. Everything can change in a second, minute, day.

You must be true to yourself... that’s all you can do. It's not all you can do but you know what I mean. It's what we are responsible for. Others? They're on their own and all you can hope is that they're being true to themselves, too.

It sounds so trite but it really is true that we need to savor moments, cherish time with friends and family, slow down, take time, look people in the eye, trust.

Because if we don’t trust, what are we left with? What other choice do we have and still maintain any hope for the world?

When that trust is broken? I don't have an answer for that except to know that, if you've been true to yourself, you'll have the depth of character and wherewithal to deal with it eventually.

Got a hug today from a friend who saw me crying and THAT'S what I’m talking about. Take the time. Write the email. Make the phone call. Do the drive-by visit. Cook the meal, whatever it is you’ve been meaning to do. Do it today or put it on the list for tomorrow at the very latest.

Be the absolute best person you can be because today very well may be your last chance before your world, as you know it, comes crashing down around you and you are fighting for your next breath, or the will to breathe and you are going to need every friend you ever had and every single bit of trust in yourself and belief that you have done the best you can do.

Only then can you concentrate on just breathing in and breathing out.

You know who you are and I love you, as Lloyd would say, all the way to the black hole and back.

Visit Completion

My folks left this past Thursday. We had a great visit and are now adjusting to having our house back to ourselves and at the same time missing them being around. Conflicting emotions!

My most cherished memory from growing up is the fact that never, to my recollection, did my dad ever say "No, I'm too busy" for us kids. And that's exactly how it was again this past month, this time experienced by Lloyd, and oh! did that do my heart a world of good. He misses his best live-in buddy.

I miss just having them around. Waking up and knowing they were just down the hall. The comfort of just knowing they were here. Now I feel very far away again.

Well, that's because I am. Just feel it more keenly sometimes. Not as much anymore but there you all are today with the Super Bowl about to happen any minute now and, if you watch it or not, it's a part of American culture and I miss it!

My girlfriend became a grandmother the other day; oh what I would have given to have been able to go to the hospital that same day to see her grandaughter and hold her like she did the night Lloyd was born.

It's okay. We've got quite a wonderful life here already. March 4th will be a year since we arrived. Really, really amazing.

Satisfaction

I have just completed my first assignment as tour guide in this fair country. But, hold on a minute, not only was I tour guide, I was driver, navigator, final decision-maker, chef and all-around go-to girl.

My folks are visiting as you all probably know. We went to Rotorua this past Sunday and came back tonight. Logged 940 k's! We did a few thermal walks, dipped our feet in hot pools a few times, took a gondola ride and a luge ride, went through caves and saw glow worms and finished the trip with a visit to the kiwi house in the most Kiwi of towns (or so they claim), Otorohanga. (Look it up, the website is good!).

It was a great trip and I was so proud to show my mom and dad around.

And am so happy to be home! Because it is. Home!

A Visit!

How do I relay excitement and anticipation? No easy task so you'll have to use your imagination. My parents are on their way to the airport as I type this from a day away. They are officially on their way to visit us! I thrill at the thought that tomorrow morning I am going to get a hug from my daddy and mom!

It's so right and fitting that they are the first to visit. How wonderful it will be to be able to show them everything. They can live a day in our lives so that when they go home, they can know where we are and what we're doing and hopefully feel closer to us because of that.

What a treat it will be to take them to my favorite places and beyond. To show them my first garden and cook them meals from the harvest. I can't wait to sit outside with them and just be. Together!

I will be so proud to drive them around and show them I know my way. Introduce them to our friends and show them we made friends! Towards the end of their stay (a month), Lloyd starts back at school so that's something else they'll be able to picture. I don't know if they've ever been to the other grandkids schools yet they'll be able to picture Lloyd at his -- what a treat.

But let's get back to the hug. I remember when Greg would be away on a boat for long periods of time and we'd talk on the phone and keep in touch every day yet the thing I would grow to miss the most was his touch. Oh, how I longed for a hug from him; the phone calls just barely helped after a while. We take 'touch' for granted I think and it's at times like these I realize that.

I can't wait to get a hug!!! And keep on getting them for a whole month!